Ever since a difficult breakup, I went through almost a year ago (insane how fast time flies), part of me is still sitting in a corner I haunt. I'm not even going to lie.
This brings me here, starting this SubStack in the best way I can imagine: with a post focused on the two things that have consumed me during this past year of attempting to heal and coming to terms with the realisation that someone I thought would be forever was only temporary.
Taylor Swift and 2. Female Rage (my I hate men era)
I have been a Swiftie from the age of 7 years old, I was obsessed with Our Song when it was first released in 2006. My little sister and I would listen to the debut CD in my mom’s jeep as she would drive us to school.
In 2010, my dad surprised us with tickets to see her on her Fearless Tour. I can’t believe she came to my small island in Canada. I could go on and on about how listening to her music has not only shaped who I am today, 17 years later, but also continues to be the soundtrack of my life, growing more relevant as I grow older.
Although I've been a Swiftie longer than anything else, I wasn't the first in line to get tickets to the Eras Tour. It took me until a month before I finally committed to going. Fortunately, my friend Elise snagged two GA tickets for Lyon night 2 (thank you, Elise—I will forever be grateful) for 150 euros each, which was quite fortunate compared to North American prices. I live in Prague, Czech Republic, and my friend Elise lives in Paris, France. I took a 17-hour Flix bus (I know, insane, but I would do it again and again) to meet up with her for a short weekend in Lyon. Saying it was one of the best nights of my life might sound dramatic, but I don’t know how else to explain it.
Elise and I, at The Eras Tour, Lyon Night 2 - we were so close to the stage!
I could write a hundred blog posts about every song, era, and album she's ever written, but for now, I'll focus on her most recent album, The Tortured Poets Department. I can't emphasize enough how it feels like Taylor Allison Swift herself wrote this album for me. I adore the pettiness, the hurt, the playfulness, and most importantly, the anger in TTPD. This era of the female pop star is refreshing and resonant. I believe this 31-song album, brimming with expressions of female rage, will be celebrated as her magnum opus over time.
There are countless examples of lyrical genius throughout this album. However, I will focus on the ones that resonate most deeply with me; otherwise, I would never finish writing.
MBOBHFT
Immediately skipping to the Barbie movie-coded Track 3 titled My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys (don’t worry I am also a fortnight and TTPD fan).
the song starts with the line Oh here we go again which immediately drew me in, what a great way to begin a song like here we go againnnnn it is so sassy and playful
the way she wrote but you should have seen him when he first got me describing being in the first stages of love when you are so valued by the person then all of a sudden they break us or the shines wears off and we are still clinging to it. She is talking to a third-party member here there was a litany of reasons why we could have played for keeps this time - I know I'm just repeating myself - we can all relate to this venting session to a friend after a heartbreak
As someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship that left me shattered, this line crushed me. I felt more when we played pretend than with all the Kens, 'cause he took me out of my box, stole my tortured heart, left all these broken parts, told me I’m better off, but I am not….
It reminds me of those cop-out text messages I have received saying "you deserve better" and "you are better off"—like, great, thanks, but now what? You already stole my heart!
What a way to end a song.
Down Bad
a photo I took of the Down Bad performance
the ending of MBOBHFT flows perfectly into Down Bad (Track 4) the stage of denial of MBOBHFT flows into anger in Down Bad - a catchy pop song that also made me cry when I first listened to it
Did you really beam me up?
In a cloud of sparkling dust
Just to do experiments on
Tell me I was the chosen one
Show me that this world is bigger than us
Then sent me back where I came from
I love the extra-terrestrial references here, perfectly encapsulating the feelings of a breakup, like so what now? I’m supposed to go back to my old life? pretend like nothing happened?
I loved your hostile takeovers
Encounters closer and closer
All your indecent exposures
How dare you say that it's -
it’s what? She can’t even say the word over, instead just leaving it hanging and unsaid within the rhyming couplets. Wow! Perhaps she feels like she was left hanging, did he say it was over? Maybe it hurts too much for her to say it?
I know everyone is talking about the chorus but wow s
tarring at the sky come back and pick me up
hit me in the gut
Fuck it if I can't have him (I'm down bad)
Damn Taylor what did Matty do to you?? - but also unfortunately so relatable
I can’t pick a favourite song on TTPD but if I tried Down Bad would be a major contender
Florida!!!
what is with all the Florida references in TTPD? if someone has any theories please let me know
I won’t spend too much time on this song because there are so many tracks in The Anthology I want to dissect, but I need to at least mention this line in "Florida!!!":
Little did you know
Your home's really only a town you're just a guest in
okay wait I have more!
Yes, I'm haunted but I'm feeling just fine
and
I need to forget, so take me to Florida
I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida
Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable
At least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, Florida
I need to forget, so take me to Florida
I love the idea of running away from your life in Florida!!! as someone who has spent the past 8 years of my life moving around from place to place (Ottawa, Paris, Edinburgh and now Prague) this song resonates with me. Take me somewhere new! i need to forget about my past! fuck me up Florida!
okay let us skip along to track 12 another sad song (what Taylor Swift does best)
loml
Love of my life? Loss of my Life? I cried when I first listened to this song, I love it so much but it is so sad that I need to limit my exposure to it just for my sanity. It is also produced by Aaron Dessner, thank god she brought him back.
okay let us dissect
I can’t decide if I think this is a Matty or Joe song
loml begins with
Who's gonna stop us from waltzing
Back into rekindled flames?
If we know the steps anyway
always end up in on-again-off-again relationships, perhaps because it is so easy to fall back into old habits. I love the dancing metaphor as if it is just muscle memory or second nature to reconnect with a past lover as if we all just went on autopilot we would find ourselves together again. So I am dedicating this song and these lyrics mentioned here to my ex (you know who you are). It gives me Champagne Problems vibes especially with these lyrics…
It was legendary
It was momentary
It was unnecessary
Should've let it stay buried
Oh, what a valiant roar
What a bland goodbye
The coward claimed he was a lion
I'm combing through the braids of lies
"I'll never leave" ...
"Never mind"
and also
Your arson's match your somber eyes
And I'll still see it until I die
You're the loss of my life
oh my god, it is so sad and it’s even sadder how much I relate to these lyrics. What a valiant roar!!!! What a bland goodbye!!!! Screaming, crying, and throwing up. I can’t listen to this song without fighting the urge to break no contact and send it to my ex.
I am so haunted and tortured but at least I can relate to the TTPD album I guess :/
Taylor gives the final blow in the end when she switches from singing love of my life to loss of my life (if you need me I will be in the corner crying).
The Anthology
Moving on to the second half of the album The Anthology, which is even more earth-shattering than the first. I am so glad she brought back Aaron Dessner. Here, the female rage fades a bit, giving way to grief and depressive tones.
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
I have to mention this song because I was fortunate to have it as my surprise song on Lyon Night 2. While "The Prophecy" was my top choice, I am very happy with "CSSM." Sometimes, you don’t get the surprise song you want; you get the surprise song you need.
it begins
Your hologram stumbled into my apartment
Hands in the hair of somebody in darkness named Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
And I just watched it happen
As the decade would play us for fools
And you saw my bones out with somebody new
Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school
And you just watched it happen
The line and you/I just watched it happen hits differently it is the 1 but sadder.
You said some things that I can't unabsorb
!!!!!!
wow!!! I can’t unabsorb this line!!!! Anyone who has been destroyed by a relationship or a toxic breakup can relate to this one.
now moving on to probably my favourite song on the album (I know I say that about every song but I mean it this time)
The Prophecy
I am obsessed with this song, it’s so hauntingly beautiful and encapsulates the female experience so well
Hand on the throttle
Thought I caught lightning in a bottle
Oh, but it's gone again
Only Taylor Swift can compare falling in love to catching lightning in a bottle, only for it to vanish again... oh, but it’s gone again… another fleeting love. "The Prophecy" feels like a combination of two of my favourite songs, "Peace" and "Right Where You Left Me."
I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope
A greater woman wouldn't beg
But I looked to the sky and said
Please
I've been on my knees
Change the prophecy
It seems like Taylor also had all those tarot card girls coming up on her FYP telling her that “he will come back”.
I love how she admits to her desperation here. In my most recent breakup, I wasn’t a lesser or greater woman; I was a woman who begged. I feel personally victimized. I thought I had found my soulmate in my last relationship, but instead, I was left adrift and alone, yearning for its return. Another lesson learned, I guess. But just saying, I think the people who get everything easy in life (especially finding love) are often the least cool and intelligent—just saying. Maybe that’s something a tortured poet would say, Idk.
I had a grown man telling me he was in love with me while sobbing, about to get on a train to Berlin. I thought I caught lightning in a bottle (at the train station), but it was gone again (when he broke up with me out of the blue) three weeks later.
Don't want money
Just someone who wants my company
ouch
I am twenty-five which means I am at the age where some my friends are starting to settle down or at least thinking about it. Here me out, I KNOW I am still so young but I thought it was my turn to experience a long-term love. I have so many friends who are talking about rings and talking cradles. I am happy for them (I really am) do I want that right now? No. Maybe? No. I just want someone who wants my company.
A greater woman has faith
But even statues crumble if they're made to wait
I'm so afraid I sealed my fate
No sign of soulmates
I'm just a paperweight
In shades of greige
Even statues crumble if they are made to wait!!! that might be my favourite lyric she has ever written. I am not sure if this is true but I read on Reddit that it is thought to be a reference to a statue of Greek goddess Diana of Ephesus, which crumbled from neglect while waiting to be shipped to London. The kicker? Diana is the goddess of childbirth and fertility.
I love this song, but I hope for the day when I can no longer relate to it.
Now, I must mention two songs that I feel don't receive enough attention. Do they encapsulate the female rage narrative? Not exactly, but they certainly capture the essence of the female experience.
I Look in People’s Windows and I Hate it Here
ILIPW
North bound I got carried away
As you boarded your train
South, south, south, south, south, south
A feather taken by the wind blowing
I'm afflicted by the not knowing so
If you've made it this far, you'll understand that I am particularly afflicted by a train bound for Berlin.
I love the repetition of south south south
What if your eyes looked up and met mine
One more time
oh my god! this line makes me want to cry! Paige! Leave the restaurant!
Maybe I'm not mad; maybe I'm just sad and a bit bitter.
okay last one I promise
I hate it here so I will go to
Lunar valleys in my mind
and
I'm lonely but I'm good
I'm bitter but I swear I'm fine
I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on
purpose
I’m BITTER but I swear I’m FINE
Wow, I swear I’m fine, guys—just afflicted by the female experience and a mediocre grown man who acted like an absolute child. Whatever. I’m sure he’ll find another girl on the internet to take home.
It takes everything in me just to get up each day but it’s WONDERFUL TO SEE THAT YOU’RE OHHKAY but it’s okay I don’t have to be your shrink to know that you’ll never be happy. I mean that.
Final Thoughts
Okay long post and I love you so much for making it this far
Yes, I am angry, yes men have only disappointed me. As Taylor Swift said in Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? I was tame, I was gentle, til the circus life made me mean
whatever at least I have Taylor Swift and I can relate to these songs
don’t worry I have a therapy appointment booked next week (and I might send this to her before lol). I will be fine, I now have a blog and can relate to these songs on a whole new level.
In wrapping up, this past year has been a rollercoaster of healing and self-discovery, guided by the music that has always been my refuge. Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poets Department has struck a deep chord with me, reflecting the complexities of female rage and experience. From the unforgettable surprise songs in Lyon to the tough realisation that some relationships are fleeting, her lyrics have been a steady presence. Despite the heartbreak and challenges, I've found strength in both the music and my own resilience. Here's to navigating the ups and downs, with Taylor's music as my soundtrack.
-Paige
I LOVED this, I stand by what my bio says